Amusing Archives
Algorithm March (with ninja)
ippo susunde maenarae
ippo susunde eraihito
hikkurikaete pekorinko
yoko ni aruite kyoro kyoro
chotto kokorade hiraoyogi
chotto shagande kurihiroi
kuuki iremasu shuu shuu
kuuki ga haitte pyuu pyuu
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-664493411424324244
Dating Design Patterns
This is simultaneously appalling and amusing. Design Dating Patterns parodies the GoF Design Patterns approach to recognizing standard problems and cataloguing solutions... but in the area of dating. More specifically, guys trying to pick up girls:
he true genius from the Gang of Four was not how to create elegant enterprise software systems.
* It was Trojan Proxy.
* It was Encapsulated Big Fat Opening.
* It was most definitely Half Bad Boy Plus Protocol.
It was Dating Design Patterns. The ultimate reusable set of solutions for a complex system. The Gang of Four's original and most ingenious work. With assistance from Christopher Alexander.
When the Gang, as well as Grady and Christopher, were in college, they invented the ultimate reusable set of patterns for the most complex system of interactions available: dating.
Their success with women was famous throughout the state. As Christopher said at the time, “Do you have any idea how unusual that is, for guys who read Knuth for fun?”
James Wolcott defends Hollywood
James Wolcott has written a nice little slam of the notion that "Hollywood is out of touch with Heartland America". Great quote:
The heartland issue is such a crock, especially when it's taken up by pseudo-populist pundits who cling to both coasts and wouldn't move to the middle of the country unless the name of that middle was Chicago. Fuck the heartland. It doesn't exist. It's a metaphor for all the simple good things Americans would believe in if they flattered themselves by believing in simple good things.
Marcus McANALly
I recently got this message on facebook from one Mr. Marcus McAnally of Texas A&M. (Yes, I have a facebook account and I was born before 1980; yes, his last name is actually McAnally.)
His message:
Subj: Damn longhorn
you know that "peter wang" is another name for a cock, dick, penis, shlong,
Here is my response:
Oh really? Both my first name and last name are slang for "dick"? WOW! That is really incredible. How clever you are to notice that. You must be a genius of high caliber. I can't believe that I've gone through 27 years of life and NO ONE has ever old me that before - not the bawdy jocks in middle school, nor the snickering preps in high school, nor the drunken freshmen in college, nor my lovely wife, whose pride will lead her to prefer the bitterness of divorce rather than suffer the shame of being married to Mr. Dicky Cock.
My parents will be devastated by this news, as well. In China, our surname means "king", which isn't so bad. But to have a name that means - as you so kindly put it - "dick, penis, schlong"... well, that's almost as bad as being in China with a name like "McAnally", which roughly translates to "child whose mother birthed him rectally while livestock penetrated her other orifices for the amusement of peasants".
Granted, my Chinese is a bit rusty, but if I were you, I would be sure to get a name change before heading over orient.
Interesting quote off ThinkProgress
"Everything a Republican does to control behavior when clothes are off is rooted in hatred."
Strawberry Shortcake
[from fortune... God I love fortune sometimes..]
Just a few of the perfect excuses for having some strawberry shortcake.
Pick one.
1: It's less calories than two pieces of strawberry shortcake.
2: It's cheaper than going to France.
3: It neutralizes the brownies I had yesterday.
4: Life is short.
5: It's somebody's birthday. I don't want them to celebrate alone.
6: It matches my eyes.
7: Whoever said, "Let them eat cake." must have been talking to me.
8: To punish myself for eating dessert yesterday.
9: Compensation for all the time I spend in the shower not eating.
10: Strawberry shortcake is evil. I must help rid the world of it.
11: I'm getting weak from eating all that healthy stuff.
12: It's the second anniversary of the night I ate plain broccoli.
I.F.
The Onion hits it on the head, as usual:
Scientists from the Evangelical Center For Faith-Based Reasoning are now asserting that the long-held "theory of gravity" is flawed, and they have responded to it with a new theory of Intelligent Falling.
I Fortune
I had heard the second one before but not the first:
Lemma: All horses are the same color.
Proof (by induction):
Case n = 1: In a set with only one horse, it is obvious that all
horses in that set are the same color.
Case n = k: Suppose you have a set of k+1 horses. Pull one of these
horses out of the set, so that you have k horses. Suppose that all
of these horses are the same color. Now put back the horse that you
took out, and pull out a different one. Suppose that all of the k
horses now in the set are the same color. Then the set of k+1 horses
are all the same color. We have k true => k+1 true; therefore all
horses are the same color.
Theorem: All horses have an infinite number of legs.
Proof (by intimidation):
Everyone would agree that all horses have an even number of legs. It
is also well-known that horses have forelegs in front and two legs in
back. 4 + 2 = 6 legs, which is certainly an odd number of legs for a
horse to have! Now the only number that is both even and odd is
infinity; therefore all horses have an infinite number of legs.
However, suppose that there is a horse somewhere that does not have an
infinite number of legs. Well, that would be a horse of a different
color; and by the Lemma, it doesn't exist.
Be like the stallion to the necktie.
From McSweeney's: Ten precepts that never made it into The Art of War.
Isn't there a porn website about the "wind" beneath people's "keels"?
Sappy email forward
The "Dalai Lama's lessons for Good Karma"... it's been circulating for umpteen years now, but I just saw it today. Despite my usual nauseous gag-reflex response to most of these sorts of emails, I actually rather enjoyed this one. Whereas normally I go through these itemized lists and compose a cynical, snarky response to each one, I went through this one and, much to my own disappointment, found myself agreeing with each one.
1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk..
2. When you lose, dont lose the lesson..
3. Follow the three Rs:
Respect for self,
Respect for others and
Responsibility for all your actions.
4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
6. Dont let a little dispute injure a great relationship
7. When you realize youve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
8. Spend some time alone every day.
9. Open arms to change, but dont let go of your values.
10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
11. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older think back, youll be able to enjoy it a second time.
12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.
13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Dont bring up the past.
14. Share your knowledge. Its a way to achieve immortality.
15. Be gentle with the earth
16. Once a year, go someplace youve never been before.
17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in to get it.
19. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.
Angry rant about W's endorsement of ID
I guess he pretty much nails it on the head: Kung Fu Monkey's rant about the Prez endorsing the teaching of "Intelligent Design".
Sarcastic slam of the space shuttle
http://www.idlewords.com/2005/08/a_rocket_to_nowhere.htm
Taken on its own merits, the Shuttle gives the impression of a vehicle designed to be launched repeatedly to near-Earth orbit, tended by five to seven passengers with little concern for their personal safety, and requiring extravagant care and preparation before each flight, with an almost fetishistic emphasis on reuse. Clearly this primitive space plane must have been a sacred artifact, used in religious rituals to deliver sacrifice to a sky god.
Modern feminism
"C'mon Crystal, surely you've heard the quote... 'A woman needs a man like a fish needs a...?'"
"...a hook?"
Pain in the English
I was buying some tickets for the Sinus Theater Christmas Show at the Alamo Drafthouse, and I pondered the origin of the term "will call". A Google search turned up the site PainInTheEnglish (
http://www.painintheenglish.com/default.asp), which gives this explanation:
To the best of my knowledge and belief, the phrase comes from the fact that you have prearranged for the tickets to be held for you (usually so you can get guaranteed good seating) and you "will call" for them at the booth when you get there.
"Call" in this case does not mean the phone call you make to arrange the tickets to be held for you, or a shout to the fellow on duty, but something like what's meant in the phrase "a social call" (i.e. visit).
Apostrophe Protection Society
The Apostrophe Protection Society is an example of a non-partisan, public-interest group people should join to promote healthier society's.
Poppies
The government's costly War on Drugs has been the butt of many jokes, but here is a tragicomical story of an amateur gardener whose poppies put him on the wrong side of the law.
In addition to the horticultural advice, Opium for the Masses offered simple recipes for making "poppy tea" from either store-bought or homegrown poppies, and reported that a cup of this infusion (which is apparently a traditional home remedy in many cultures) would reliably relieve pain and anxiety and "produce a sense of well-being and relaxation." Bigger doses of the tea would produce euphoria and a "waking sleep" populated by dreams of a terrific vividness. Hogshire cautioned that the tea, like all opiates, was addictive if taken too many days in a row; otherwise, its only notable side effect was constipation.
As for the legal implications, Hogshire was encouragingly vague: "Opium, the juice of the poppy, is a controlled substance but it's unclear how illegal the plant itself is." Here is how I figured one might be able to toe the line safely between the cultivation of opium poppies, routine enough in the gardening world, and felony possession of opium if opium is the extruded sap of the unripe seedpod, then the dried heads used to make tea by definition did not involve one with opium. Hogshire didn't go quite that far, but he did write that "it is unclear whether it is illegal to brew tea from poppies you've purchased legally from the store." As will soon become evident, Jim Hogshire is no longer unclear on either of these points.
Spamusement
This is as funny as Doctor Fun: Spamusement. New cartoon each day whose caption is drawn from spam in the author's inbox. Hilarious.
(Bonus points for whoever is first to spot the trogdor reference.)
Godwin's Law
I love Usenet. What more is there to say? Godwin's Law (I especially like James' Corollary)
Also check out Benford's Law of Controversy
Daily Show Transcripts
If you missed a good Daily Show episode and want to find a transcript of it, try Anita's Daily Show Page. Some veritable gems of true excellence in broadcasting right there.
Bug Jar
TheWax.com is a pretty nifty site. Check out The Bug Jar, where Agents of TheWax trap hapless chat room users in one-on-one chats that are absolutely hilarious.
Billboard Liberation
Technically it's vandalism, morally it's hilarious: Billboard Liberation Front.
Political animations
Dishonest Dubya Action Figure (I love the flight jumpsuit).
Also be sure to check out Ben Cohen (of Ben & Jerry's ice cream fame) explaining the federal budget with oreos.
Janet Jackson, CBS, etc.
CBS will air Janet at her finest, but won't air moveon.org's political ad Child's Play because it's "too controversial". I guess in a world of lies, truth is controversial.
Update: Druge reports that the incident was planned and approved by top CBS executives.
FOX
I'm filing this under "Amusing" instead of "irritating".
The Washington Post reports about how various news organizations reported President Bush's dodge of a question on WMD in Iraq. Contrast CBS, ABC, CNN and Fox's reactions to the incident:
On ABC, Terry Moran pulls no punches: "Asked directly whether he still believes weapons of mass destruction will be found in Iraq, President Bush simply dodged the question."
On CBS, John Roberts sees danger for the White House. "President Bush refused to even entertain the notion today that he received bad intelligence, but if what David Kay says is true, he is facing another massive intelligence failure, right on the heels of 9/11 -- only this time, it's an election year."
On CNN, Dana Bash lays it out this way: "As he made his case for war last year, the president was unequivocal about Saddam Hussein's weapons of mass destruction. . . . For months, the weapons hunt progressed and none was found, but the White House remained publicly confident illicit weapons would be unearthed. Now, a retreat. No prediction from the president at all, only a reminder that the inspectors are still looking."
On Fox News, Jim Angle reports that Bush remains "steadfast in his view of Saddam, calling him a dangerous man in a dangerous part of the world."
Penguin batting
Instructions: click the picture to swing. See how far you can make the penguin go. My record so far is 320.1.
Blackspotsneaker
Adbusters is trying to make its own anti-branded shoe to compete with Nike, the canonical Global Sweatshop Branded Megacorp that all decent heart-sleeved liberals love to hate. Adbusters basically wants to use Nike's branding tricks to market a grassroots anti-brand, in this case a black spot instead of the Nike Swoosh(TM), and in doing so, demonstrate... what? That McDonald's better register BlackSpotBurger.com, pronto. The main page is here and the scoop is here.
Why can't Adbusters help out Moveon.org and design some really clever, catchy anti-Bush/Cheney posters? Perhaps the letters "W M D" spelled out using photoshopped images of dead Iraqi and American troops from the war... or a graphic representation of how much $87 billion dollars is, in terms of Mars Spirit landers or teachers' salaries.
Knowing our luck, though, 40 years from now we'll discover that Adbusters has been just another Carlysle Group subsidiary all along.
VLOG
No, not Verilog. Video blogs! (Brad should do one with his new camcorder?)
The Meatrix
A little preachy but nice otherwise. The Meatrix, a parody/lecture about industrialized agriculture. I guess it makes sense that Trinity is a chick(en).
Guide for the ladies
"A Woman's Guide on How to Pee Standing"
Quote:
Janice writes... Well Im in college and youd be surprised to see how many college girls use mens urinals. I personally find it boring to pee in regular stalls. Its much more exciting and daring to pee standing up at urinals. Any woman can pee standing up, facing a urinal, looking at the wall or whatever men look at. Down here in Texas at one of our stadiums, they are installing urinals for women in addition to the stalls. Usually there are long lines for the womens bathroom. My friends Judy and Karen will sometimes stand at the urinal and see who can get the furthest arc. It works best when we are all drunk!
Any ladies needing a "finger-assist" should drop me a line...
Funny stickers
Link. I especially like the "War begins with 'Dubya'" sticker.
Nice rip of The Matrix
I found a good negative review of Matrix Revolutions and why it ruined the whole series. The author has some excellent points (including a nice rant about the stupid, irritating gimmick of make characters not communicate with each other to further build suspense), but the thesis of his (long) review is thus:
The first Matrix walked a fine line between deepthink and pure entertainment. But the second one, with all of its pretentiousness, did not. The second one cemented the promise of the first one, which was "Look, I know there's tons of philosophical dialog and repetitiveness, but it's all for good reason. Just hold on there." And so the washed-up explanations of the third, basically in line with the first, don't add up. Why? Because all the repetitiveness is to explain something simple, not something complex, and that amounts to telling the viewers: "See, you are too stupid to understand this. So we'll say it over and over again. We will put Neo in the guise of a martyr, bandages and all, so you can see how much he suffers and don't miss the Jesus analogy. We will make you questions words like "Love" by making machines say "they're just words". We will make obvious references to everything under the sun until you can't ignore them."
But I think that people would rather see something that is a) either simple and to the point, or b) something non-obvious that can not be fully expressed, but hinted at.
The Matrix, as it stands, is just a bunch of obvious points driven into our heads with a sledge hammer. And that's not what the "contract" specified. Furthermore, all the ideas have been used before. Nothing new here. It's all one big cop-out. Entertaining? Yes. A Masterpiece? Most definitely not. Treating your audience like idiots is not a very good idea.
Blast from the past
An old classic: Microsoft Tech Support vs. the Psychic Friends Network.
Silly RIAA
Nice little article at Wharton about why the RIAA's lawsuits against its customers are dumb. Excerpt:
Worse still, the RIAAs wholesale use of the Digital Millenium Copyright Act to obtain the names of telephone company customers for its lawsuit program has sparked a legislative reaction based on privacy concerns.Republican Senator Sam Brownback of Kansas recently introduced a new bill in the Senate to require judicial review of subpoenas such as those used by the recording industry to fuel its downloading cases.When Kansas Republicans start lining up with liberal Democrats against your industry, youve got a whole new kind of legal strategy problem.
Slew of great Dr. Fun
Cat Eye on the Dog Guy
Puppet theoretical physics
Bowling
Humpback whales
Adam's Diary
I had no idea Mark Twain had composed a piece called "Adam's Diary", purportedly the diary of Adam when Eve first joins him in the Garden of Eden. You can read it here. An excerpt:
Saturday
The new creature eats too much fruit. We are going to run short, most likely. "We" again -- that is its word; mine too, now, from hearing it so much. Good deal of fog this morning. I do not go out in the fog myself. The new creature does. It goes out in all weathers, and stumps right in with its muddy feet. And talks. It used to be so pleasant and quiet here.
80s Makeup
This page has some scans from a 1980s-era makeup book. Absolutely hilarious... it just goes to show how fickle fashion is. I'm glad I was too young to be dating back then.
Reality is stranger than Goldberg
Here is an amusing little anecdote about a dog, telephones, and complex chains of events.
Army cadences
While searching for the full lyrics to a Vietnam War song, I came upon this wonderful tune.
(In case anyone is wondering, I was searching for the song "In the Army".)
"Elite Force Aviator"?!
I don't know if this is more amusing or irritating. Actually I guess the product itself is hilarious but the fact that there is extremely high demand for it is irritating. 12" Action Figure of George W.
I <heart> cats
Direct quote from Slashdot comment in the recent string theory/"Does God play dice" thread:
on pseudorandom oscillation (Score:5, Funny)
by Anonymous Coward on Tuesday September 02, @04:14PM (#6853097)
My housemate was recently developing a comprehensive theory of the oscillations of short bits of string, even comprising such philosophical points as whether they're inherent or caused by some bored unemployed minor god. Then I bought a laser pointer and now it's all refraction this and speckle that.
Cats are fickle.
Secret Harry Potter Spells
As I fouled the air at Collegetown Bagels yesterday, I realized that there are a number of spells that J. K. omits from her books, but which must surely exist. Let's put on our Snigglets hats, shall we?
Philosophical Kissing
A hilarious page about other philosophies of kissing besides the "platonic kiss". (link courtesy of Brad, who has posting privs but never uses them)
Politically Correct Scots Gaelic
Apparently no language is safe from the PC language police. The Scotsman on Sunday reports that gender-neutral and age-sensitive terms are making inroads into Scotland's mother tongue. Most distressingly, Scottish language authorities seem to be borrowing from English when they can't find or construct an appropriate word from Gaelic roots. It seems to me, though, that the creation of new words is a sign of a vital language--perhaps this is good news for Gaelic-lovers after all.
Two videos
Two videos. First, Tokyo Breakfast, a blast from the past. Then, a truly incredible video of Tetris nirvana.
Kitten Hate
A quick refresher for all those who have forgotten. Kitten Hate (not to be confused with BonsaiKitten)
Magic Negroes
The Washington Post has a little byline about how Fishburne and Freeman and their like are playing the roles of "Magic Negroes", at the cost of their souls.
Funny cats
Here is a very very funny video clip showing cats doing odd and amusing and unfortunate things. Must see!!!
-----------
Update November 3rd, 2004: I have received a cease-and-desist letter from Disney informing me that this video clip is from America's Funniest Videos, and I have to remove it from my site.
Dubya stickers
GWBush.com has some an awesome selection of bumper stickers.
Among my favorites:
"I wasn't using my civil liberties anyway"
"Without Dissent It's Not America"
"Ken Lay Got the Surplus"
"You voted for Bush and all I got was this lousy recession"
"If you can read this, you're not the President"
Also, be sure to check out the main page, where you can download an MP3 of the leader of the free world saying "There ought to be limits to freedom", in reference to the GWBush.com site.
Holy Rollerz
Touting themselves as the "Christian Car Club", these guys do not "tolerate drinking, profanity, and sexual promiscuity".
Check out the pimpin' favicon! Oh, and don't forget to see the Christmobile!
"That big Russian war"
I noticed something today - Comedy Central is actually pretty funny. On "Tough Crowd" with Colin Quinn tonight:
[regarding how to deal with North Korea and its alleged nuclear weapons pointed at the U.S.]
Adam Ferrara: "Seriously though, I think there are some peaceful ways we can go about..."
Denis Leary: "I don't think there *is* a peaceful way. They hate us, we hate them, they've got nukes pointed at us - there's no peaceful way."
Adam Ferrara: "Oh, you're right! Like that big Russian War we had."
Denis Leary: [trademark sneer]
Bouncing babies
It's wonderful the things you can find on Citeseer. Here is an abstract from a paper on the cognitive development of babies:"Ten years ago, Goldfield and colleagues performed a longitudinal study in which eight 6-months old infants were strapped in a harness attached to a spring of known stiffness and damping, and were observed once each week for a period of several weeks, while they learned to bounce. At the onset of each experimental session, it was made sure that the soles of their feet could just touch the floor. Goldfield et al. found that in the course of learning to bounce, the infants' motor activity could be decomposed into an initial assembly phase in which kicking was irregular and variable in period, and a subsequent tuning phase characterized by bursts of more periodic kicking and long bouts of sustained bouncing, during which infants seemed to explore the mechanical properties of the mass-spring system. A third phase was initiated by a sudden doubling of the bout length, and was characterized by oscillations of the mass-spring system at its resonant frequency..."
Freedom Follow-up
Of course, I was not the only one to be irritated by the Freedom Fries. A picture is worth a thousand words: Good point Freedom cut Freedom jobs stupid humans Freedom kissing the truth hurts Traitor tots even more painful truth a microsoft jab Maybe he means TCL? creative unilateral taste making movies, making songs ah, even more truth
Email to Strongbad - .MP3??
For a damn funny mp3, download "Letter to Strongbad" on this page.
Sinfest rox0r
I love John Lennon and I love Sinfest. Party on.
Speaking of Sinfest, you can now order the book at amazon!
Dr Fun
It's been too long since I've looked at Dr. Fun.
batmeme
Dead hard drive
Car Talk
Saddam's other weapons
I'd hit it!
Free range
Reality TV
Reality Tech TV
A brilliant Joy of Tech today. Especially apropos given the current economic situation. I wonder when they're going to start having a reality TV/high-tech startup show. Take 8 or 10 geeks straight out of college, throw them into a loft in NYC or California, have them working on a new gadget or a new computer game. The best part: you can get another 8 or 10 geeks and make them work on a competing product. The teams get to bring their products to market and the winning team wins $3mil or $5mil in VC funding.
Atom Films
A popular AtomFilms that I just saw: Star Wars rap
Also somewhat amusing: Enpire of One
And for those who haven't seen it, Rex the Runt, another, slightly less tame claymation series from Aardman Studios. (Note that the link only points to the first episode.)
Kwik-E-Mart
Awesome short links:
Pencil Carving
Watch a crab succumb to a 2700psi gradient
Nice possible twists on the end of Joe Millionaire